I had to stop counting...

I had my amazing husband take me to Bed Bath & Beyond last night to get one of those over-the-door purse organizers. I thought it was sufficient to get only one, which held 16 purses. I think I was in denial. When we got home, Aaron did man work and put the thing together while I sat down infront of the closet going through my bags. We quickly filled the organizer and to my disbelief, I had a lot remaining to be hung up. My sweet husband didn't say much, he just nodded when I said "I think I have more then twenty". He told me that we can get another organizer and put it on the hall closet door. I haven't told him yet that when I got to thirty, I stopped counting altogether...no wonder when I see a cute bag I want to buy he distracts me from it.

My insecurity, I guess...

I was watching one of those morning shows the other day and the topic was a debate on how should you accept the relics of your partners past relationships. On one side was the mindset that if your married, then both you and your partner ought to toss out the old love letters and such, creating room for each other. On the other hand, the ruling majority said that was unacceptable. Their question was: how can you possible ask, or demand that your husband/wife throw out pieces of themselves to appease your insecurities.
How I see it, when I was being first wooed by my husband, I went through my boxes, my photos and computer files in attempt to delete my past mistakes (relationships), praying that I could delete the memories too. And after we were married and I was settling in, I did it nervously because I still feared I had missed something, somewhere. I did this, not so much for my husband but for myself. You see, I was and am still ashamed and deeply grieved for giving all of who I was to someone who couldn't love me, because I wasn't purposed for them. They were not the husband that God had made for me and I for them. So to me, the idea of a husband or wife still clinging onto, and avoiding throwing out those love notes and such is a shame and a dishonor to their spouse, whose heart no doubtably breaks every time they come across photos or pieces of paper lamenting over their spouses love for someone else and their deep desire to marry them.

My husband said good-bye...

As I'm starting my fifteenth week of pregnancy, I found that I had run out of excuses as to why I had not begun work on the nursery. So, a few days ago my husband gently suggested that we work on it this weekend. I sighed and then with a smile I said 'sure!' What goes into creating the nursery is what actually goes out...his office. First, we did a little rearranging in the front room (okay, I sat and pointed where things go and my dear husband did the rest). Then, more heavy lifting as the core of his office migrated out into the living room. There still is a tremendous amount of work that remains to be done, however, it is a start and a beautiful one at that!

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My husbands obsession, My aversion...

I, as many have had past experiences with the Internet which left a bitter taste in my mouth. So, it's odd that I would marry a software engineer. Leaving the past behind isn't necessarily as easy as you would think. My husband spends his days at work sitting in front of two big monitors and as soon as he gets home from work (after I push him off me), he goes into his office and sits in front of two big monitors and his macbook. I have to call him at least two times before he joins me for dinner. I love my husband dearly, but honestly, I was glad his macbook died, I thought that it was one less thing that he sits in front of, and not next to me.
I had finally told him last night that I needed him to be with me, to spend time with me and not with his computer, or talking excessively about it. After he disappeared into his office twice and giving him 'the look' he sat next to me on the couch as we prepared to watch our favorite show. This is when he pulled out his iPhone. He was going to twit with it-or whatever.
I can't tell him about the dark anxiety I have when he spends all day online. I guess what frustrates me is that he is forcing me to trust when I don't know how. I don't know what he's doing online, he doesn't tell me anything. It's odd, I can't even text my sister without him getting...persistent. However, he dose things and doesn't think to tell me whats going on. When I try to tell him why I have bad feelings about the Internet, he tells me "I'm not like that, I could never do that to you." But, the thing is, I've heard that before and I know how that situation turned out.

In reflecting on my thoughts, I am coming to a bigger understanding of who I am and the vast faults that consume me.

What I saw last night

After the Wednesday night prayer meeting at my sisters house, she and I went to JoAnn's to look at fabric for curtains. We got home a little after 9pm, we hugged and I walked to my car which was parked on the side of the road. A big fluffy, beautiful black and white cat was sniffing around my car, I turned to say something to my sister and in that second, a car going 40 m/h in a 25, residential road hit the cat. The car didn't slow down or even hesitate. I ran inside to get help and on my way back I picked up a big stick, as if I was going to stand in the middle of the road, in the dark to protect the cat.
My sister stood next to me and I held my breath as I gently poked the cat, hoping with all I had the she would move or faintly meow. She didn't. She was dead. Her big furry body laid motionless in a spreading pool of crimson blood. I held the flashlight as Andi pushed the cat into a small cardboard box, then closed the lid.
I knew the cat. She had just given birth to a cuddly litter of kittens.
I went home, with pregnancy hormones raging and I held our cat, Finnegan, tighter then he would perhaps had liked.

I saw my baby

We had an ultrasound on Wednesday. Mom and Dad Lord, by Gods grace were in town and able to go with us to the appointment. I wasn't as embarrassed as I thought I would be. I laid down, in the most vulnerable position ever, but the moment our child appeared on the screen, it was as if nothing else mattered. The baby is so beautiful and full of life. our child couldn't stop moving and dancing. I know it's not realistic, but it almost felt like s/he was preforming for his/er parents and grandparents.
That appointment blessed us all. Dad had never seen an unborn baby and mom only saw one or two of Katie's babies. My parents have been preoccupied with other events at this point so it helped me abundantly to feel safe, and loved by my new parents (Mom and Dad Lord!) by having them there, with us. I am so thankful that we got to experience this blessing with them.
The heartbeat is as strong as ever.
I'm almost eleven weeks and due January 24th/25th.