I Feel Shame, or Pride

It can be viewed as either a "down side" or "up side" of studying English in College, having to continually "keep" journals. I saw it as both. At the beginning of the semester, I would wallow at the thought of having to do yet another journal, with each professor believing its their own original idea. Part way through the assignment, I would find myself enjoying it, then a month or so would pass and I was right back to wallowing. After all, journaling is just another way to linger in the self loathing that is my mind. Why on earth would I want to actually put words to the numerous mangled thoughts flowing in and out of my head, and who on earth would want to read that crap? I wouldn't. But for some unexplained reason, I have kept my journals. All of them laced with various quotes that I have been unsuccessful at forgetting. One in particular has cemented itself in the far recesses of my thoughts. It was from an Ethics in Education class I took back at Butte some twelve years ago.

John F. Covaleskie wrote: I feel shame or pride for what I know about myself, not what others know about me.

We can spend our whole life putting on a false self, one that looks good, holy, pretty, humble and wise. One that is heroic and brave, yet compassionate and thoughtful. So when people who think they know us, look at who they see and go: My god, how amazing are they! Look at how they work so hard, how much time and money they volunteer! Even their children are so respectful and well managed! But, as nice as those hollow accolades are at first, they fade the moment you remember who you really are. How you secretly cheated a co-worker, or your taxes. How hard you try to hide your hidden sins so that you seem to justify both there existence and there absence. Those small moments that creep in when our guard is down, that's when we truly feel shame for who we are, even when the world sees differently.

Conversely, when you go about your day, trying to do what's best for your family, its those little victories, those quiet little accomplishments that you achieve when no one is around to cheer for you, that's when we are filled with a humbled pride that cannot be tarnished. The kind of pride from doing what is expected of us and striving towards the ultimate goal of glorifying God. But, perhaps pride, might be the wrong word. It's more of a reassurance from God that we are receiving, that quiet "good job, faithful servant. You're on the right path."

We can hide from others, we can more successfully hide from ourselves but it is foolish to think we can hide from God. Our secret, hidden sins are spread out before Him, He saw them even before He created us and time itself. I think if we are truly honest with ourselves we can better grasp who we are and ultimately, who we ought to be.