Most nights I just lay awake, listening to the sound of my husband snoring loudly beside me. Once in a while, I'd fling my arm over and punch him, either aiming for his chest, back (depending on how he's laying) or his face. Most of the time, he doesn't alter his sleeping, maybe he'd soften his snoring a little, or on those rare occasion's he'd wake up long enough to ask "what?" before falling asleep again.
I would continue laying a wake in the dark for another hour or so. With each passing minute, the deeper my heart sinks into despair. I have dealt with depression for the majority of my life, I think the last time I was truly free from the suffocation and fog of this consuming darkness was when I was five. But, this time it's different. My "good days" seem to be getting shorter and the time between them longer. When I cry, it's heavy and comes from so deep within I feel as though I am being torn a part. I feel...hopeless. I'm not convinced that I am hopeless, but for others who have not experienced this, that might be the only description I have words for.
I recently read 'The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment' by, Jeremiah Burroughs. He wrote deeply and beautifully on what the character of a Christian ought to be. The one thing that has buried it's self into my heart is this, he writes:
"It is suitable to my heart to yield to God and to be content."
It is suitable to my heart, that is why I am not hopeless. God is here. God is here and I am content.
2 comments:
Ah, Christina, I'm glad you shared that. He's all the hope there is for us, and He's all the hope we really need. And that really is the heart of contentment.
(On a practical note, I've used those spongy earplugs they sell at concerts. They muffle the snoring just enough for me to be able to sleep through it, and aren't too uncomfortable. Maybe those would help, if you haven't tried that already.)
I guess I should have warned you that PPD starts during pregnancy. I had to up my meds during that time. Don't despair. "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." Ps.30:5 It may be a long, long night, but it will end. I promise.
Andi
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