It was my little cousins first birthday not too long ago, it would have been Ava's first little birthday party she was invited to. I eagerly RSVP-ed as soon as her invitation was received, excitedly, Ava picked out just the right gift for her second cousin and we had her favorite giraffey party dress freshly washed and ready for his special day. My mom, who offered to bake his birthday cakes (2) was happy to let me lend a hand in getting the Big Bird cake ready, she had finished the Elmo cake and we were quickly running out of time. Since we were behind schedule, in the span of an hour, we had four separate people call us, all asking the same question, where's the cakes? Each call received the same answer: We're almost done, we will be there as soon as it's physically possible. However, when my aunt, (and I use that title very loosely), called us, my mom was changing and I was juggling to put two heavier-then-they-look cakes into boxes for transport and dealing with my overly tired daughter. I stopped what I was doing, took a deep breath and tried to express my utter frustration at the situation. I told her repeatedly that we were on our way, trying to load the car up. That is when she THOUGHT she had hung up on me. She preceded to spend the next ten-15 minutes telling people that she "can't stand her" (I am that 'her'), Laurie's eldest son, Brad, got in on the rant saying that he "never liked her" (again, that 'her' is me). And just so there were no misunderstandings, they continued to say "Crissy is so..., nobody likes Crissy!" I truly was shocked and very much hurt. Shaking and trying not to cry, I handed over the phone to my mom who in turn listened for quite sometime before hanging up in disgust. After all, this was her sister who was saying such horrible, hurtful things about her daughter. I know that this should not have come as such a surprise to me, this has always been the kind of person Laurie has been. When I found out we were pregnant, it was Laurie who went around telling our family that our daughter was probably my ex-boyfriends. There is so much wrong with that comment, I couldn't even begin to know where to start so all I will say is that there was no possible way that could've been the case. Needless to say, we didn't make it to the party.
Since this episode, I have been thinking a lot about how we talk to people and how we talk when we think the person can't hear what is said. Over my thirty years I have become a firm believer that if given a choice between having broken bones due to "sticks and stones" or words that claim to "never hurt", I would definitely choose the broken bones since they tend to heal whereas, insults and verbal cruelty stay deeply embedded into how you see yourself and seem to linger in the back of your mind, at last, that is how it is with me. This has influenced how I treat other people. My whole life I have been told I am just so easy to "pick on", to tease, to name call and verbally crush. So, in turn, how I treat people seems to be a byproduct of this treatment. Which is utterly unacceptable. I'm cold, spiteful and I know just what to say to hurt the person whom I love the most. The only difference I see between Laurie and myself, is when I open my mouth, it's to hurt others before they hurt me, and that is completely and utterly unacceptable. This is a legacy I do not want to leave for my daughter.
With my degree in Liberal Studies, I have the "book" knowledge of how to express ourselves with children, and often adults as well. Since I've had Ava, I see first hand how everything I say and how it's said can either encourage her and make her laugh or have the opposite effect. Especially since she understands 'no' and is very mobile, cruising around the front room. Even when she falls because she doesn't realize she so small, if I react in an "it's okay" manner verses "Oh Mava! My baby!" (with tears in my eyes) her response is vastly different.
What I need to do, is simply treat those around me as I would treat Ava. With love, compassion and a smile like I do when I change her stinky, poopie diapers because I don't want her to feel bad or ashamed that I'm wiping up her poopies. I know this isn't an original concept, it's first and foremost found through out scripture. When I read the Bible, I tend to read it as I was taught in Sunday School, I see it as "Bible Stories". Because of this, it is often hard for me to internalize the teachings, they have somewhat of a distance for me as do fairytales. One of the many blessings God gave me when He gave me Ava, was that through her, I can intimately learn how to talk.
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