Barren

(an introduction)

I was nineteen when I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome.
I was told that I had less then a ten percent chance of being fertile. I spent all my energy convincing myself that it was ok, that I didn’t want children anyway. Because of my syndrome, I weighed 260 pounds; that included diet and exercise. By the grace of God I lost 130 pounds and began taking medication in attempt to further change the body I was given.
Now, I'm 28 years old, married since January 12, 2008 and seven weeks pregnant. I feel as though I go about my day holding my breath, cautious of everything and careful; fearing miscarriage. I struggled greatly in the first couple of weeks, thinking that I am only pregnant just so I can loss the baby. My sister who has given birth six times, and has five beautiful girls gave me comfort. She said that I could rest in God's perfect plan. This is the first bit of trust we must learn as mommies. I felt like I could finally breathe, for the first time since the double pink lines appeared on the test stick.
The focus of my mind changed. Instead of living in fear, I began to pray and every night as I lay next to my husband, I thank God for allowing me to be a mom, even if it's just for that day.
I thank God.