I have spent the last four months apologizing for everything that I have ever done, or at least it feels that way. I have apologized for the voice and tone that is perceived as offensive in my blog, I have apologized for things being continually taken out of context, after all, it is my fault that I haven't written in a way that such errors and misinterpretations were unable to penetrate. I've said I was sorry for being daft enough in assuming my relationship with my mother and my sister was something apart from any relationship I had with my former church. I have even apologized for not giving my mother and sister credit for being by my side after my daughter was born. Again, I assumed that since they were my family, it was obvious they were with me. But, of all my apologies, there is one person whom I have said I was sorry to a multitude of times, so passionately I turned a shade of blue as I used all the breath I had in me. This was to no avail. I begged, I poured out my heart and implored: What?! What else is there for me so deeply, sorrowfully to say I am sorry for? This is what I have begged of one of the few people I most loved and admired, my sister. I loved her more than she ever realized. Everything I had ever done of importance was for her and her family. My whole life, until now has revolved around a family that was not mine. Whatever money I had, it would go to them through either toys, food, activities and almost daily Mochas. I was at her every call, whatever was needed of me, I gave it freely and in all honesty, joyfully. I lived for her family, I loved them with all my heart and I never asked for or expected any thanks or recognition. I was doing what I thought family was called to do for each other. And, foolishly, I thought that when it came time for me to start my family, that my children would have the same kind of love and family support as I had spent the past decade or so giving. I had spent my whole childhood looking up to her, praying that God would help me be like her, now only to understand that she refuses me, refuses my sorrys and my sisterhood, I am now nothing but a forced "chat"--that is, if I wait around long enough to not be ignored. After four long months of this, with the occasional apologetic email and equally heated emails back and fourth, seemingly random grievances had slowly surfaced. It seemed to center around my public feelings of not fitting in to her church. I had posted in a long blog which stated my inability to form and foster relationships and friendships, I had taken the responsibility, which as it seemed was lost on the audience. Again, I passionately apologized for offending her, hurting her feelings, like she was needing. It just wasn't enough. I never could have even imagined hurting her like this. And in all honesty, I am still trying to reconcile in my mind how voicing my thoughts and feelings in all honesty could result in this "sin" and a label in which I am accused of being "narcissistic" and "manipulative." After four months, I understand clearly what is asked:
"The only thing I want you to apologize for is for what you did, for publicly airing your grievances with the church publicly on your blog."
That is the reason for this blog post: I had offended her publicly, so I ought to fully apologize publicly.
What I was extremely upset about was that, by voting in a change to the church constitution, that man-made work is now the measure by which Elders and Leaders are held to and qualified by, instead of the Bible. That is, if you are called by God and are qualified by Scripture, you still would not be allowed, because you might hold views contrary to the modified 1689 LBC, as adopted by that church. We really like the confession, I just think it's seriously dangerous to hold that as high, if not higher in certain circumstances than the Word of God. Leaving the church was not something we rushed into. We did spend a long time in prayer, God was telling us that we needed to leave that church for a very long time, we just didn't listen. My family's there! Leaving that church was, in a sense, leaving my family, at least that's how it felt, and as it turned out a reality. I thought we had made it clear that us leaving that church was Gods plan and that we joyfully accept where God is leading us. In fact, the only reason why we didn't leave that church over a year ago was that they were my family and I didn't want a schism between us. I knew that when we left, no matter if it was a year ago or a matter of months, we would be disconnected from them and the girls and that is not what I wanted. I know that where we are now is still where we would have gone even if I hadn't blogged in response to the situation. So, I am sorry. I am truly sorry for blogging. I am sorry that what I said caused such hate and bitterness. I am sorry for acknowledging shortcomings and my view on disassociating myself from such churches. I am sorry that I publicly posted,
"I belong to a church which now bans those from leadership who believe that Sundays are a day SET APART for worship, meditation on God's instruction and in guiding your family in His Truth."
I have learned that I ought to word my feelings differently, or refrain from any sort of expression. In an email, I was told that "However this doesn't mean our relationship can be restored. In order for that to take place repentance needs to happen. Apologies for hurt feelings is not the same thing as repentance, and so far you've made it clear that you have nothing to repent about even though you have been confronted with your wrong words whether you accept it or not." I actually thought I had repented for offending and hurting those who were hurt, I had taken down the offensive post as evidence of that repentance, but again, it wasn't enough. I am not posting this apology as a means to restore a crumbled and now extinct relationship. I have come to the slow realization I now no longer wish to have that relationship in my life. I have been hurt beyond recognition, but I choose to not demand any sort of acknowledgment, or for that matter, any apology. I think I could live the rest of my life without uttering the word apology again, I feel that it has now lost all meaning.
So, again, I am so sorry for stating my grievances with your church, it was wrong of me. Please forgive me.
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