The Guilt Still Lingers

At first, all I could think of was how fun babies are, how easy it was for me to give birth. I wanted another baby. It didn't take long before we were pregnant and at first, I was in a kind of float-y, sparkl-y daze. I was feeling like I had finally achieved adulthood (and it only took me 30 years).
But then, I looked at my daughter. Really looked at her and waited in the moment we were sharing, enjoying every slow second of it, lingering in her laughter and as quickly as the moment between mother and daughter came; the heavy guilt sunk in. From that moment on I became more aware of the reality that I would no longer be all Ava's. I tried to justify my selfishness in wanting another child by telling myself I was doing it for her, I was giving Ava a sibling, a playmate, a best friend. It seemed that the more I repeated this to myself, the bigger my guilt grew. I had now taken the one on one intimacy I shared with my baby girl and replaced it with only fifty percent of what it was. I asked almost every mom I knew with more then one kid how they felt when they had another child. All just smiled and said: 'You're doing them a favor. You're giving them a friend to play with and you a chance to breath while they play together and not need all your time.'

This did not help. I felt even more guilt and emotion because I just could not see it that way. I had given up. It wasn't until I was getting my haircut, my stylist had two kids and recently found out she was pregnant with twins. She knew I had Ava and we started talking about due dates and names when all of a sudden she looked at me and asked if I felt guilty for taking part of me away from Ava and sharing it with another baby. She understood, she felt the same way when she had her second child, and even more so now that she was having twins.

I LOVE my children, both of them. I am slowly adjusting to splitting myself between two kids instead of giving myself to one. It is more difficult then I could have ever imagined. I sometimes look at Ava and see her as someone I have to protect Baxter from, and it seems all we've said to her since we came home from the hospital was "Ava, NO!" It's those moments where she is transformed from being my baby girl to a danger. I hate that, it breaks my heart to see her as someone other then my itty bitty. Aaron and I both make more of an effort to hug and love on Mava. I try to continue to have our morning cuddle time, but it just doesn't seem like it's enough. I'm hoping it will get easier.