An Undisciplined Mommy

For some time now, I have been mulling over a response to my somewhat new role as wife and mother. Well, I guess after two years of marriage and our daughter turning one, and having our son, the role for me isn't as new as I thought it was. We got married while I was finishing up my last few semesters at CSU Chico. We had decided before we were married that I was to stay home and be a housewife, a position that I desperately yearned for, especially since I had an arm which had gotten so bad after 10 years of cutting hair, I was told that I could no longer do the work I had trained hard for. After we got married, I moved in and took the job as housewife very seriously. My sister and I had been raised by our mom, who worked long hours as a nursing student, then as an LVN and later an RN. We learned what we needed to know about house work and cooking by our mom showing us, and then we were on our own to take care of the house while she was working. So, being raised by a single mom, actually taught me a lot about house hold management, it also embedded a deep desire to be at home with my kids as my mom was unable to be for us.

At first, (and if you ask Aaron, he might have a different recollection of our brief life before kids), I was able to go to school in the morning, be home by the afternoon, do homework and clean the house with the ultimate goal of having dinner on the table for him when he got off work. For some strange reason, that was one of the most important things in my life, having dinner ready and on the table for my husband when he got home from work. Now, in a perfect world, you might not see what the problem was with that, but you see, my husband works on salary, which means, you work until your done. You don't get the luxury of just clocking out when you've served your eight hours. This was the major conflict for the first several months of our first year together. Dinner would be ready, I would be ready, the house would be ready, but without fail, at 6:30 instead of my man being home, I would get a phone call. Did I mention, I like to yell? And sulk?

Slowly I began to realize these stringent ideas and beliefs I had weren't conducive to my well-being, and certainly not for my husband's well-being. I was striving for some sense of perfection. What got me to see I was drowning were the two pink lines. For weeks I felt like my body was full of lead, I couldn't move, and I couldn't stay awake. Shortly after Mothers Day, I got the news, I was now a Mommy too. Because of the pregnancy, I couldn't do everything I thought I needed to do. The house began to get messy, the laundry piled up, so did the dishes. My husband had to relinquish the roles he thought we were both meant to fulfill, him going off to work all day, me staying home, being the dutiful housewife. My sweet man had to take up both roles. He would go to work all day, then come home with dinner and do the dishes or a load of laundry. How unfair for him. I hated it. I resented it and I felt so incredibly guilty that I wasn't a good wife.

As soon as I was able to function (after the first three months), I began to tackle the role of wife, again. However, I would let little things slide. I wasn't scrubbing the house down everyday, I'd let the clothes accumulate until we had no more clean undies, but at least I was cooking dinner again, and packing his lunch. I thought that somehow, after Ava was born, it would be different, I just had to get back into the swing of things. The house would be cleaner, the clothes washed, folded and put away and there would never, ever be more then two dirty dishes in the sink at a given time. (Yes, please feel free to laugh, as I write this I realize how stupid I really was). But, I tried. I tried with all I had to make everything perfect. I tried to do everything, all by myself with an infant that I was determined to not get in my way.

My daughter witnessed me mentally break down. We were in the kitchen, she in her bouncy and I in front of the stove trying to do it all, while she screamed and cried because all she wanted was mommy, and all mommy wanted was to do everything, which meant not having her daughter need her. She screamed and cried, I screamed and cried and my most precious gift in the world was terrified, she was terrified of me. As I looked in her wide, tear flooded eyes, I...I finally got it. Through all the shame, pride, guilt, and sorrow, I got it. My only job is to take care of my family, my husband, my children. The people God has created for me, and me for them. That is my only calling; not scrubbing the kitchen floor, not having a three course dinner on the table waiting for my husband. My job is to hold my daughter when she needs me.

I hate that it took me so long to understand what it means to be a housewife, I hate that I didn't learn the lesson sooner, when I was pregnant. And after I had posted a blog of my shame and failure as a mommy, my friend Laurie, gave me such beautiful words of advice and encouragement. I will always treasure them.

So, I sat down and thought hard about how I was going to continue to care for my family, first, then the house. How can I try to combine the two in a way that I am not overwhelmed and that my children can have my full attention when they need it? I made a list, and a chart. I love making lists!! I think that might be the teacher in me, the part who loves office supplies and making even the simplest task into a project. I broke down the five day work week into separate days, each day I would do "two" chores and lined them up so I have variety and flow. This is what I came up with:

Monday: Bedrooms & ALL laundry
Tuesday: Kitchen & ALL sweeping
Wednesday: Bathroom & ALL moping
Thursday: Front room & ALL dusting
Friday: Dining room & ALL vacuuming

Well, it's Monday and yes, there is a load of laundry in the wash, and another one in line. I couldn't get to the kids' room before Ava's morning nap so I'll move on to our room and hopefully I can get it done, or mostly done before we have to leave for an appointment this afternoon. I pray that I can keep up with this new plan, well, it's not so new. I wrote it when I was first pregnant with Baxter and am now just beginning to tackle it, so, we'll see how it goes but for now, I have a diaper to change and an infant to feed.